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And the Hits Just Keep On Coming...

  Life was going so well. But when one bad thing happens it tends to come back for a couple rebound shots. First hit, and the hit that probably did the most damage, one of my friends from high school died over the weekend. He drifted into the southbound lane on the highway and was hit by a quarter ton truck. He died of his injuries. This just happened to be the weekend before I had three exams in one DAY. Tuesday. With my friend's death, it definetely skewered my motivation to study. And whenever I tried, my thoughts just kept drifting back to him. Monday night we had a soccer game and I was hoping it would keep my mind off of him. Nearly broke down on the field a couple times. Needless to say we lost. 2-3. But it wasn't too bad of a game.

  Luckily one of the exams I was supposed to have today was moved back to Thursday. Probably the highloght of the last couple days. Unfortunately, my first exam (which was math) I didnt even finish. Definetely failed that one. I just got back from writing my Pscyhology exam. I think I did alright. I really hope so. I got my first paper back and once again, its been proven to me that no matter who helps me, i'm going to get a shitty grade. 12.5/20 I fucking hate papers. I fucking hate life right now.

  At least my manager let me take saturday off. I think me breaking down on the phone might've helped her make that decision.

  Jesse. Jesse Willis. So many things I have always wanted to tell you. How much of an impact you made on my life. I will continue this entry later. I just can't take it at the moment.

Hurray for College!!

  SO happy to be back in school! I'm so over-joyed that i'm not really sure what to say!! Except for math. I'm never excited for math. Especially at 8 in the morning!

  So here is my schedule: Math 85 Mon-Fri 8am
                                               Sociology 260 Mon-Wed-Fri 10am
                                               Art History 305 Tues-Thurs 12:30pm
                                               Psychology 389 Tues 6:30pm


  Hurray for Abnormal Psychology!  I've only get it once a week which is a drag but its almost a 3 hour class which makes it WAY better. We can actually have discussions!

Fuck

  I am a stupid piece of shit. Why do people bother to put up with my stupidity. I fucking hate myself. Everytime I open my goddamn mouth I feel i'm getting stupider by the second. I don't even know who to trust anymore. Everytime I go and trust a new person they turn out to be bad in some way. Why do I even bother.

  I am never right. And yet I fight like I know what i'm talking about. Who am I kidding.

  Justin why do you love me. All I ever do is put you down and steal your money. I am nothing but a stupid golddigger who acts like i'm better than you. I need to give your head a shake. Brooke is right. I only love you for your money and i'm a spoiled brat. Happy Brooke?

  Everyone keeps telling me to do things they're way. Perhaps I should start listening to them.  Cause I don't know what the hell i'm talking about.

  I am so fucking stupid. And I fucking hate myself. Perhaps everything that has happened to me, I deserve it. Perhaps I am a whore who steps over the line to make other girlfriends upset. Nikki you are right. Happy now? Maybe I should actually go through with it and start sucking everyone's cocks. Perhaps that will make me feel better.

  I'll work at Wal-Mart for the rest of my life. Just to piss off the people around me.

  I hate myself. They're is no reason for people to love me. I hope the world is happy now. I sound so emo right now

Yeah, I work at Wal-Mart. GET OVER IT

  Some people in my life are really starting to get on my nerves about this. So i've been working at Wal-Mart for almost 3 months now. And my plan is to stay with them until the new year. I basically want to stay with them throughout the Christmas season. This has been my long-term plan since I was first hired there. And I was very vocal about my plan to people around me. And yet, some people are insisting that I can do so much better.

  You people don't think I know this? You people think that Wal-Mart is my dream job? Do you people think i'm going to make a career out of Wal-Mart? No, no, and no. So why are you all down my throat in trying to find me another job. I know that Wal-Mart isn't exactly a-game in many areas, but lets not forget that they hired ME. A nineteen-year-old with NO job experience. And yet, they still trusted me enough to hire me. For that alone, I am in debt to them. I still thank them for hiring me. Most of you won't understand that because you've been working for a long time now. I am just starting.

  I am not going to go out and look for another job. If I stumble upon a job opening that catches my attention, then i'll hand in a resume. But its not on my to-do list at this point in time. Get over it. Wal-Mart is already trying to work around my school schedule. Thank you.

P.S. Wal-Mart is still an evil corporation that will take over the world! GWAHAHA

Stoopid Dress Code!!

  Yeah. Wal-Mart has a dress code. We aren't even aloud to wear t-shirts anymore. We have to be in dress, or dress-casual clothing. And we barely have casual Fridays either. We can only wear jeans on pay-day Fridays. I was almost sent home today for coming in with jeans on. :S  I work at Wal-Mart, not an office. Stupid I tells ya.

  So I just gotmyself a new printer/scanner and it looks alot more hopeful than my last one. First, its Lexmark; a company i've heard of before. Second, I have 2 waranties on it so if it craps out, I have NO excuses not to have it fixed. Hopefully i'll be alot more active on DeviantArt again.

  And...i'm uber excited to start school again. Been out since April. Been ready to head back since May. :P

Nothing really new other than that. Take care!

P.S. I had to take my navel piercing out about 2 weeks ago. :( So i'm going to get something else pierced next Saturday with my friend Eliza!

Kick It To Gear

  I got my license!!! On July 24th. :P I haven't updated in abit. Life has been getting increasingly busy. And i'm loving it!

  Last weekend I went to Kamloops with Justin for a soccer tournament. Dear Lord the temperature was 36 degrees at LEAST!! I know the day we got there is was 40 degrees. At least we were camping beside a river. That was nice and refreshing. We didn't do very well. We played three games and all three games we lost. We were equally challanged but every team had at least 3 or more subs. We had one. I'm sure if we had more we would've done better. But from what others have bee nsaying, and my own observation, I brought my a-game to the tournament. I made saves that were all a blur to me. But hey, I saved the ball!! Somedays I love being the goalie. And I love being a goalie for my team. They are always very suppoertive no matter how terrible I do. And my coach Gough is awesome. VERY supportive and he feels like such a father figure. And the whole team are his daughters. Plus he's a registered massage therapist! :D Haha.

  On the way home Justin and I stopped at Enchanted Forest! It was a path in the trees that showed fairy tale creatures and whatnot. It was so much fun. I told Justin it was the best date we ever had. He's shocked that nothing really bad happened during because we semi-planned it! :P We tend to be cursed whenever we plan a date together. It has to be random. Perhaps it was our bad luck with hotels and the scary storm we ran into after is where our luck ended. Every hotel that night was No Vacancy. We hadn't planned to drive the entire 8 hours home in one night but with full hotels, that wasn't an option for us. Justin works night shift so at least he was awake enough to do the drive. The just as we left Calgary we were bombarded by a massive storm. The crash of thehail against his windshield jolted me awake. The hail was huge, in clumps, wet and heavy. I was so afraid that the windshield was going to smash. We were convinced there was going to be some type of damge to the car (luckily there wasn't). So the hazards went on and we drove slow for the rest of the way.

  So i'm back at work and strengely enjoying it more than usual. I've become really good friends with an older man who works full-time in automotives. His name is Dennis and he's a sweet old man. I get the feeling that he's lonely because his grandson moved north and I haven't heard him mention a wife at all. He insists on driving the women home if its after dark. He feels he can't stress it enough that if soemthing bad ever happened to any of the females at work that he'd feel very bad. I'm not going to argue a free ride home. :P I really enjoy talking to him. He's taken me out for coffee twice this week already. Today he even paid for my meal! He's also bee nsaying that if i'm interested he might sell me his car for $1500. I can't rememberwhat car it was but its from 1994 and its blue. :P He also said that he'd look around for any good deals on more newer cars. I'm so excited. I'm trying to get ahold of my Dad to talk about this but he's enjoying Montreal too much at the moment. :P

  My roomie and I are watching a Harry Potter movie everyday this week and then we're going to see the new one in theatres this Sunday. I'm rather excited to see it. :) The roomie and I are also going to see a well known artist next Thursday named Michael Godard. He is called the Rock star of the art world. He looks like he should be in a rock band like Motley Crue. I do believe he is good friends with Vince Neil.

  And finally i'm getting my new phone this weekend. FINALLY. I can't even hold a conversation on my phone without it dying. It has to be plugged in. And even then sometimes it doesn't work. -.-' I think i've decided on a blue Blackberry Pearl. I'm really excited to be getting my new phone.

  Well that's my life up until now. Definetely much better then the last weeke before I got my license.

P.S. I'm SO excited for college next month! I've been out since mid'April and i'm ready to go back now.

Driving Woes

  So I have very little experience behind the wheel. I live two hours away from both of my parents. Anyone I know here either is too busy or their insurance company won't let them teach a learner. So I have very litle driving experience. I never got alot of driving when I was at home either. So when I failed my driving test a small part of me was not surprised. My tester was not surprised at all. She said it was very noticiable. *sigh* 

  But despite not having alot of driving experience, I know how to drive and i'm pretty good at it. I just don't have the experience to back it up.

  I'm so tired of being a 19-year-old with no driving license. I don't feel good about myself. I feel like a little child everytime I ask someone for a ride anywhere. Transit freaks me out. I'm pretty SOL. I'm already tired of riding my bike. I'd get it fixed but buying lessons for driving is taking more out of me than I thought. 

  I have another exam this monday. Here's hoping my raw hatred and determination help me this time around.

  Fuck my life at this point in time.

Writer's Block: RIP Michael Jackson

In honor of the King of Pop: What is your favorite Michael Jackson song?
  I have honestly too many. So instead i'll list my favorite song from some of his solo albums.

 I do tell people that Don't Stop Till You Get Enough is my favorite. I hear it and i'm instantly happy. I feel I can take on the world with my positive mood. That song and Girlfriend on Off the Wall. Girlfriend is such a cute, cheeky song. I love it.

 From Thriller I really like The Girl is Mine with Paul McCartney (spelling?). Also, you can't go wrong with Billie Jean. ;)

  Has anyone heard Streetwalker? I LOVE that song! I'm kinda bitter that MJ didn't put it on his original album (for Bad). It is such a wicked song. But from the original album music I love Just Good Friends with Stevie Wonder. This song gives me Goosebumps. And from the singles I love Smooth Criminal & Dirty Diana. Does anyone get serious goosebumps to Dirty Diana like I do?

  His Dangerous album is probably my favorite MJ album. I love Give In To Me. Slash's guitar is is freakin sweet. I also love In The Closet. I can see so many people taking that song the wrong way, but I love it. I call it his "Dirty Song." ;) Oh and don't even get me started on how Will You Be There inspired me. Its probably the Michael Jackson song that inspired me the most. That might be another journal entry.

  Blood on the Dance Floor was an interesting album. I like Is It Scary. Another song that gives me serious goosebumps.

  I havent been able to find his newer album with You Rock My World. I can't find it anywhere!! And I don't want to download it cause I think i'm kewl like that. :P Did I miss any albums? I hit the major ones at least.

  Rest in Peace Michael. You will be remembered for your inspiration in the music world forever.

Rest in Peace King of Pop

  Today is a very sad day for millions upon millions of people; myself included. The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, died of a heart attack today. Michael Jackon was my all-time favorite artist. Ever since I was 12 years old I tried to learn his dance moves, memorize his lyrics, and give him the respect he truly deserves. I've been bawling my eyes out on and off today. A part of me is still in denial. I see pictures of him & I think, "not the King of Pop!" I now have an idea of how people felt when Elvis Presley had died. He died suddenly as well if I recall.

  Now before I go on I just want to say that Farrah Fawcett also died today. While she may not have influenced me as much as MJ had, I was still shocked when I heard about her death this morning. And right after she finally agreed to marry her partner! How heartbreaking that must be! I can't even imagine! My heart goes out to Farrah and her family. RIP Farrah. You will be missed.

  Now while I am very upset over Michael's death, I am engraged over some peope's responses. Especially on Facebook. I'm not even going to go on for the next few day for I am disgusted at some people. "All of the little boys of the world are safe now. MJ is dead." "Michael Jackson is dead! LOL" "Awesome! MJ is dead!" These are just some of the statuses i've read today on Facebook. Now i'm not expecting everyone in the world to be upset about his death, but show some fucking respect!!! Seriously, his talent and inspiration brought happiness to millions of people for over two decades & all you have to say it "all the little boys are safe." People like that disgust me. Someone even said that he'd never met him in real life so why should he be upset about it. The same can be said towards his belief in an imaginary God. At least Michael Jackson is REAL. 

  I know that MJ wasn't all there in the head. But really can you blame him? He grew up with no childhood. The stage was literally all he knew.
I believe he is an innocent man. He loved children way too much to be able to do such a horrific thing like molestation. Now do I believe that he should be around children? God, no. He was mentally unstable. He was still such a child himself. He was mentally tortured. I feel so bad for him just thinking about it.

  I was really looking forward for his new album. I wonder if they'll still release it? I would've loved to have seen him live.

  Either way, as heartbroken as I am, a small part of me can rest easy knowing he isn't suffering anymore. I will still grieve in the coming days. But he will be remembered forever. Michael Jackson I love you. I love who you are. You were a beautiful person, and you gave the world one of the greatest gifts of all. I'm sure going to miss you. But please...Rest in Peace.

P.S. Don't Stop Till You Get Enough is my favorite Michael Jackson song. :)

I Think I Know Why...

  I think I know why i'm still bitter about me losing him as a friend. The way he backstabbed me...I am feeling the hate towards men the way I used to hate men back when I was growing up.

  When I was a child, I didn't have alot of positive male role models in my life. My brother and I were close, so he helped ease my hate. But my father was (still is) an abuser. I knew that he loved me but I also knew he was drunk majority of the time I saw him. I knew that him and my mom fought alot. It wasn't the greatest household for two children. I'm not blaming my Dad, though. The boys at school didn't help either.

  I know that when your young, the opposite sex has cooties and they hate each other. It can be cute. But I was always picked on by boys. They weren't throwing rocks to be cute, or that they "liked me;" They were genuinely being little jerks to me. A few personally went out of their way to say how I looked like a boy. Which I didn't.

  Growing up I had alot of guy friends. I still do. My best friends are guys. But if anything was mentioned about liking a boy as more then a friend I'd immediately get angry. I felt that males were no good in my eyes.  You could almost say I felt they were useless.

  Teenage years weren't any different. I was still made fun of for looking like a boy (which by that time I honestly did. My hair was uber short & I wore guy's clothing). And I looked at the boys as nothing more than friends. I believed in love. But not for me.  Men were dogs. And nothing more.

  Grade 9 was a great and terrible year at the same time. I had my first serious crush on a boy. And I didn't exactly know how to deal with it. But I was starting to change my outlook on men. Unfortunately he found out about my crush for him and he literally stopped talking to me. I let my guard down and he hurt me immediately! Just like I had always thought as a child!! In a way I am grateful for him. I had never felt that way for a boy. Plus he helped me pave the way for a short fling that summer.

  My little fling in the summer was a wonderful experience in my life becuase I liked someone who liked me back. We haven't seen each other since that summer but a small part of me will always care for him. My discriminate hate towards men was disappearing. And thanks to that, I was able to fall in love with Justin, whom i'm still in love with today.

  So now that we know the history of my views on men (in a nutshell), we can look a little closer at this issue. I have been backstabbed before. But the majority were from girls. The few backstabs I had from the opposite sex were never that major and I got over them quickly becuase they just fell under my discriminate views on them. In the here and now, I had made a new lasting friendship with a guy and I couldn't be happier. I felt that we were going to be friends forever. Then his insecure girlfriend comes along and disrupts things. And instead of backing me up (i'm not just saying it because i'm on the inside of the box. It was a true no-brainer), he not only takes her side, but lies numerous times to me. He did try and apologise but it was pretty messed up. And thinking that an apology but no action was good enough, he frolicked with his girlfriend into the sunset, leaving me, backstabbed, confused, hurt, and angry.

  Since then i've been noticing my ever increasing annoyances with men. Even in Justin. I have felt anger towards him over stupid things, that make me want to fight him. I'm not giving a shit about my guy friend's opinions as much, and i'm alot more rudely blunt to them. And I don't really care. I finally realized that my old views were coming back to me. Now obviously they aren't too extreme. I have caught myself a few times and I plan to nip it in the bud.

  I'm not fully blaming him. I'm choosing to be bitter about it. I'm sure he's forgotten all about me and is continuing his new life with her. I need to let it go and do the same. I cannot let him be the poster child for every male in the world. Cause I know that isn't the case. I am in love with that proof. Eventually this will pass over. But until then, as much as I hate to admit it, my wounds still need healing. But with more positive men in my life, including Justin, I can overcome this.

  Thank you, for every male who has ever made a positive impact in my life. My father included. :)

  P.S. Jason Bateman & Jon Bon Jovi are hunky!!! W00t for sexy men!!!